Saturday, April 14, 2007

Revised Definition

Redefining “Love at first sight” in the internet era

Here’s the definition from Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, about “Love at first sight“ :

“Love at first sight is when a person feels romantic passion for a complete stranger upon his or her initial encounter with the stranger. The term can be used casually to refer to a mere sexual attraction or crush, but it usually refers to actually falling in love with someone literally the very first time one sees him or her, along with the deep desire to have an intimate relationship with that person. The stranger may or may not be aware that the other person has any such notion, and may not even be aware of the other person's presence (such as in a crowded place). Sometimes two people experience this phenomenon towards each other at the same time, usually when their eyes meet. See also love.”

So- with fewer words:
Love at first sight is the romantic passion for a complete stranger upon his or her initial encounter with the stranger. Falling in love the very first time one sees him or her.

Initial encounter –in this day and age of communication and internet – initial encounter is rarely in person and it’s done trough emails, instant and text messages, posting blogs and profiles on My Space, sharing pictures.

Not that we wouldn't prefer to meet someone in person but we're too busy and we run in the same circle all day. Circle of friends, coworkers, relatives or schoolmates. If we exhausted those circles of posibillities and the special someone is not in sight what alternatives we have?

Go outside of the above mentioned circles. Go to gym, library, mall, shopping, club, bar or dance club. What's the chance you will meet your ideal partner in any of those places. Let's face it, if we're single - we go to clubs to hook up - we don't expect to marry someone who we meet there. There are exceptions of course but the general rule is that we rarely meet our significant other while we wait in line at the retail store.

What's to be done than? Hmm...you got it. The internet. From the convenience of your home you can find your time to write an email, send a message or share a picture. In short - get to know somebody else.

Some might say that there are many people online that are lying about themselves and posing something they're not. The same people that do that in real life - will do it online. And vice versa. Yes, it's easier to lie someone in an email than lookig them in the face, but that applies only to liars - honest people will behave the same either online or in real life.
And we're talking now about them. People that are hoping there is someone special for them too. Just they didn't found yet that special someone. But they do have hope.
So - we're going online.

Online we’re much more relaxed and confident in ourselves. Being in contact – without being in physical range - we express ourselves more clearly and we speak our minds more often than not.

Beauty and in general physical aspect comes and goes. Personality is rarely changing. If you don’t like and match someone’s personality traits – don’t even think about how hot and sexy they look. If you will insist to get into a relationship with them - you’ll get an Mylar balloon. Shiny and empty - and that will fly up and away from you the first time you let them go from your hand.

On the other hand think of someone truly remarkable that you’ve met online. You exchanged mails and messages, pictures and comments. Think of the laughter, conversation, affinities, hobbies or preferences that you share with that stranger (that’s really a stranger - because you never met in person).

That’s your initial encounter where you could “fall in love of the first sight” – before actually meeting them.
Than - when you actually meet in person – the initial feeling could be reinforced by their physical aspect and by their body language and actually their live personality.

If they have the personality you’ve expected, or if they actually are even more charming in person but they don’t look so hot as you pictured them –does it make a difference for you? Be sincere – I think it won’t matter.
You will adjust the picture you’ve had in your head – with their actual appearance and you’ll continue to fall in love even faster.

Actually when you meet someone in person after you’ve met them online -that’s the second time you’re around that person. You already know some of their personality and you like it.
The likelihood to fall in love right there at your first meet in person is tenfold.

Maybe I’m stupid but I actually think you can love at first sight, even before having the first sight.

With that said I’d like to propose the revised definition:

“Love at first sight” is the romantic passion for a complete stranger upon his or her initial encounter with the stranger. The encounter is not necessary to be in person and could be any form of of interaction between the two.

The Theory of Breaking Up - or - "Why We Can't Leave Easily From Bad Relationships"

My theory is that we generally have a hard time to leave from bad relationships or breaking up from someone who's not deserving or mistreats us....because our own ego.

I't very simple to demonstrate.

Let's assume you're in a bad relationship and your partner is not treating you right or not respects you as he/she should, or as you feel like he / she should.
Either is neglecting you, or fooling around, taking advantage of you, both psihically and mentally, even abuses you in some way.

Any rationale individual from outside your relationship would tell you in a second - "leave him / her". Why we cannot do it - leave them easily?

Because if someone treats you bad and you know you don't deserve it, if someone abuses you or neglects you - that person is doing something wrong to you and you instinctively need to prove it to them that they're wrong, that you're a good person who deserves better, deserves to be loved and respected.
You need reassurance that's nothing wrong with you and they are the wrongdoers.

You can't leave someone without convincing them that they're doing wrong to you - it would be like admitting the guilt for something you didn't do.
Our ego dictates us to make ourselves justice. Prove to them that we don't deserve to be mistreated.

So, instead of leaving their sorry ass behind, we do exactly the contraire, trying to convince them that we deserve to be treated better.
Guess what - it never works.
We just go into a conflict with our partners and with ourselves deeper and deeper, because we care about our image that we have about ourselves in the eyes of the abuser. We need to prove them they're wrong.

Our own ego wants us to demonstrate to those that are wrongdoing us - that we don't deserve it. We can't leave them in ignorance - we must correct the twisted image they have in their mind about us.
Once we do that, we easily can break up.

How many of you guys and girls didn't care that much about someone that loved you geniunely and easily turn your back to them if the feeling was not mutual, but instead spend hours to convince a jerk that you don't deserve to be dumped by him/ her?

That's because someone who loves you already knows how a wonderful person you are. You don't need to prove anything to someone who loves you. You're already their hero. It's done deal.
You can break up easily from someone who loves you. Of course the pain and suffering is going to be on the other end - but you personally will be ok in no time.

But when someone tries to break up with you - than you start to think "What's wrong with me?" "Why him or her doesn't want me anymore?" "Why they treat me badly?" "I'm a wonderful person I need to prove them they're wrong and I deserve their love and attention."

Our ego again. We suffer when our own image is not respected. We want to correct that. We can't leave - even from a bad relationship - until we do it- correct our image.

The more someone mistreats you - the more you want to convince them they're wrong in their actions. It takes time and effort to do that and of course you hang around them trying to teach them the truth about your kind nature. It will only get worst.

You may want to give it a chance. Everyone deserves a second chance. I speak from experience, and I'm grateful to the ones that gave me a chance to say "I'm sorry!" and act upon it.

No more than three strikes tough. After three strikes - you're out.

Look for the signs. You'll know them when you see them.
It's starts with lesser phone calls during lunch hours and excuses because extra work or a deadline, than sudden meetings or friends gatherings you can't attend because "you can't stand my friends" or "you'll be bored because we'll talk about business" or for some other reason.
Working overtime, smelling better when they come home after a long work day. A new credit card that you don't have access to and can't see the balance. Cash withdrawals. Expensive mobile phone bills with bunch of text messages that you never got.
A frugal kiss on the run and less "I love you" or "How you've been today". Less sex. Less good sex. Less passionate sex. Or - au contraire - better sex or techniques achieved overnight. More of "I was so busy at work and I couldn't call you back".

Than the hardcore signs - calling names, shouting, slapping, bruises, black eyes that you may get. When you get those -there's no brainer -you're at the end of the relationship.
Get out fast before someone gets really hurt or in jail.

Look for those signs. Don't pretend they're not there. Bring them to the table and discuss them with your partner. See what she/ he has to say.
Say what you don't like and what changes you want to see. Demand those changes. Ask about their expectations from you. Communicate. Maybe it's a misunderstanding.
But if it's not and they went out of the line with you -let them know or remind them about the rules and take a red lipstick and make a mark on your/theirs fridge door. Strike ONE.

If it happens again in a few days, or heck in a few years. Talk again about it. Clear things up if you can. They may say they're sorry. But if wrong happened to you - regardless if they're sorry or not - mark it down again. Strike TWO.

If you're lucky and choosed your partner right - you may never have to go beyond Strike TWO.
But if you're not - and Strike THREE lands on your fridge door with a red lipstick...
Clear things up if you can. They may say they're sorry.

Than pack your stuff - or ask them to pack theirs.
Don't look back.
Or if you do, do it from a distance. And I meant both from an emotional and physical distance.

It's not simple at all but it's the only way. Trust me I know - and again from my experience too.

I've read this in a book - The Alchemist - about an old proverb saying:

"What happened Once may never happen again. What happened twice will likely happen again and again."
(the quote is more or less exact - but it perserves it's meaning)


So a short recap list and action plan that I personally recommend:

If shit happens - talk, clear, communicate, appologise and mean it. - Mark down Strike ONE.
Shit happens again - talk, clear, communicate, remind the rules - Mark down Strike TWO.
Shit happens again ( or hits the fan) - talk, clear, communicate, remind the rules - (just if you realy want to do that - so you can sleep better at night but you really don't have to).
Call it Strike THREE - and someone's gotta pack.

Forget about what your ego may say. Let it go.
Focus your efforts towards next person in your life that will appreciate you.

Ohh - and almost forgot about this - don't carry past baggage with you in the new relationships. It's not fair for the next person and not even for you.
If you need time to heal up - take your time. If your next partner loves you geniunely - he /she will wait for you.

This concludes the advice from "Dr Phil" from tonight - if you need further guidance please take a ticket and set up an appointment, lol :)

Wow, it's 4:46 AM - I need some sleep, I have to be at work in 7 hours..
Hopefully I'll dream tonight of my perfect "Eve". No lipstick on our fridge door.
...On her lips maybe. Tough I prefer natural beauties... lol.

Later all - wish you "no strikes" at all :)

Friday, April 13, 2007

"Somebody to Love" - or The Heart as the Maple Tree

I had a dream about maple trees. I'm not making this up. This is what I dreamt:

There was a small rural city with little houses that were not planted like a grid, they were all different.
On the city streets there were maple trees and each tree had a little bucket into where they were dripping the sap. Each tree was cared by someone. People were carefully collecting the precious gift.

There also was a tree that no one was tending to. There was no bucket on this tree. The syrup was dripping on the ground and no one used it.

I knew the tree is bleeding trough the little pipe and his essence goes wasted on the ground but there was nothing I could do.
I was standing in front of it and didn't feel anything, we were just staring at each other. The tree knew I was standing there and yes, he could stare back.

He had much sap to give, but no one was there to collect it. He had no bucket.

I was just staying there watching. He was just staying there bleeding. 

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Checkmate in 9 (Don’t tell her)

Checkmate in 9 (Don’t tell her)

It takes a shake of her hand
To tear down the walls you've built around you.

It takes her a few steps walking by
To find the little back door of your fortress.

It takes one of her smiles
To break it open to pieces.

It takes to sit with her at the table
To come clear to you - she won't take prisoners.

It takes few sips of her wine
For her giggles to infiltrate your fortress.

It takes eating the appetizer
For you to loose control of the inner walls.

It takes to hear her laughter
And here goes down your armored bunker.

It takes a walk by the river
For her to find your petrified heart.

It takes her eyes to plunge for a second in yours...
Checkmate - your atrium starts to beat again.

She does all that - the fastest siege
Than she leaves innocently.

The best conquistador ever
And she doesn't even know it.

What if

What if we're two trains heading the same way
Running on the same tracks
Separated by two minutes in time - an eternity between us.

What if we're two snowflakes
That landed on someone's cheek.

What if I didn't even knew I was lost
Until I found myself in you

What if you've been betrayed
By a stranger who's shadow resembles mine.

Would you stop on your tracks and let me reach you?
Would you melt with me into a tear?
Would you give myself back to me?
Wold you be able to love again?

Would You ?